What more could you possibly want?

27

2010-11-09T01:05:00.005-06:00

(My dad, flipping his tiny kid (me) around when he was 27. Nice shorts.)

Here I am, on the technical eve of my 27th birthday.

When my mom turned 27, she had a baby about to be turning 3 a month later. I can't even think about babysitting my new nephew (Welcome to the world, Brooks!) until he's at least 3 years old.

So what have I learned in 27 years, which include 4 years of college and almost 3 years of working in the "real world" until being completely blasted into a whole different realm of "real world" work via layoff?

For one, I've never been less sure of what I want in life. Catch a hold of me at my old job? I wouldn't even hesitate to let you know I'd want to be in non profit for the rest of my life. But was that because I was in a cushy position, and that was the easy answer?

For now, ideas are abundant but actual opportunities may prove almost impossible to execute. Grad school, yes, but where? I want out of KC but will I have the means to? And for what? Continuing English? Education? Social work? The pipe dream of the vegetarian/natural culinary school in New York which sounds so amazing but is so expensive it was hard to breathe while reading the information?

Everyone around me seems to have their collective shit together. "Real" jobs, "real" relationships or fuck...marriages/engagements, nice cars they can afford, nice apartments and houses they don't have to worry about paying for every month. Why was I the one to fall behind? What choice did I make that led to this? I don't believe in karma but one has to wonder...

But there are days that just make me so happy, for no reason. Spending beautiful Autumn afternoons outside walking around the Plaza while others are staring out at it from a window by their cubicle. Sleeping in during thunderstorms. Volunteering. (Feel like getting involved with an awesome endeavor? I'm now the Volunteer Manager for HALO: http://www.haloworldwide.org/)

This I know for sure: I'm going to take this 27th year and start DOING.

It's what I owe to this existence.

Nuptials

2010-09-01T12:47:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow I leave for California, to see one of my very best friends get married.

The past two weekends have been spent doing the same thing, only in the idyllic dreamtown of mine, Lawrence, KS.

There are lots of things I have to say about these events. Stay tuned.

I never thought it was possible for one's heart to explode with happiness for someone else (my selfish/narcissistic ways aren't too hidden.), but these past few weeks have proven me wrong.

One Year

2010-05-20T00:55:00.002-05:00

One year ago today, May 20, 2009, I was laid off.

I was in the middle of printing out a HUGE mailing to social workers in the Oregon and Washington area. It was important information they needed to know about the changes in a program we had in place to help their patients get emergency grant money for rent, prescriptions, child care, and many other things people with life-threatening diseases need assistance with. In the middle of the huge print job I was working on, my supervisor walked past my office door and ask that I come into the conference room for a meeting.

"I have some really bad news. As of today, our office is closed and everyone in this room will have their position terminated." (It's funny to realize that in moments like that, exact words are easy to remember.)

Numb. Blood, boiling. Hot, scorching tears threatening to erupt, a cry I had never felt before. Flushed face. Looking down at the cute yellow top with white Bermuda shorts I had purchased that past weekend.

Bright sunshine glaring through our 3rd floor windows.

Autopilot to my office to collect everything. The Obama stickers and signs I had put up during the 2008 election. Cute pictures of me with my nephew. KU alumni group's 2009 calendar. Don't forget to pick up the Tupperware in the fridge with my lunch. A leftover quesadilla.

Small march, head bowed, past the two national staff members from New York who delivered our life in severance packets, down the hall to hug my now former supervisor. The word "integrity" was personified with her and I never really told her how much I respected and enjoyed working with her.

"Please know this isn't personal."

I had turned down a position in the company a few months prior, as I felt it was a glorified secretary position and I wanted to actually be involved in patient's lives and not in worrying about scheduling business trips, flights and hotel rooms. The person who now had this position still had a job. Other people in the office I considered "friends" had completely lied to my face. They knew it was coming. It was...something I'd never dealt with before.

I walked home. I had just signed a lease for a apartment a few blocks away. I called both my parents. My mom sounded tired. I sat out on the sunny, tiny deck and somehow recounted what happened. I went to the gym. My sweet roommate came home and took me out for appetizers and prosecco. I came home, applied to some jobs and drank a bottle of wine by myself that night.

As time went on, I started to forget which day of the week it was.

-----

One year, two relationships, two part-time jobs, countless interviews and countless bottles of wine later...I'm here. I've all but given up on finding a full-time job, but I know it could happen. I'm looking forward to moving out of the area at some point. Every time I tell a table at my work my story, I get a big tip. I don't bring it up, but sometimes I get asked about my life.

Sometimes I get so consumed in what money I am making and what money I owe. I am still paying for a loan I took in college so I could get an education and get a "real" job. I am paying doctor's bills since my cheap insurance that my dad selflessly pays for isn't all that great. I am in two weddings this summer for two of my very best friends in the world and I am so sad my excitement for their days is also shadowed with the fear of not being able to afford everything they absolutely deserve.

But my life.

I do what I want. I go to the gym. I cook. I take trips. I nap when I want. I read. I spend rainy mornings in bed. I spend sunny afternoons outside.

Things are the hardest they've ever been in my life. But for some reason, and somehow, I know there's a light, and somehow. It will continue to grow and glow.

Calling a Moratorium...

2010-04-17T14:22:00.003-05:00

...on the suffix -ista, as a "cute" way to describe things.

I'm not sure when this happened, but it's been sneaking up on us the past few years.

Fashionista. Recessionista. Dealista. (Yes, there's a website for that.) Foodista. (Vomit. Like there aren't enough mundane food blogs out there.) Today I saw a commercial for TJ Maxx. Their pitch? "Become a Maxxionista!"

No. NO. NO.

Call the GLAMBULANCE!

2010-03-15T21:48:00.002-06:00

I fallen head over heels for a MAN, baby. Laverne Cox. (OK. I know I need to be PC and know that she is now, in fact, aaaaaall woman, honeychild.) In the middle of Jamie Clayton and Nina Poon (yep.) Laverne, formerly of "I Want To Work For Diddy," is the center star of the new Vh1 show "TRANSform Me." It has not surprisingly wedged it's way into my cold, black heart with a starburst of glitter and spanx.

These ladies travel to the homes of ho-hum, blah-boring chicks who are in desperate need of a makeover and save their social lives. It is AWESOME. Tonight's episode took the squad to Mobile, Alabama (Laverne's home town) where a decidedly..."Alabama-esque" chick with a penchant for glitter purple eyeshadow was at first VERY outwardly uneasy about the tranny trio busting down her door. But one shopping trip by way of the Glambulance (Seriously...an ambulance complete with strobe lights, a disco ball and dance music) sent her on her way to FABULOSITY.

Sorry "Intervention." I think you just got served outta my Monday night line up.

Gone Fishin'

2010-02-28T21:38:00.004-06:00

In need of much luck lately. I've been contemplating a new tattoo for quite some time now. It needs to involve a fighting koi/goldfish (symbol of luck)...I think it would help me out in life.

(RIP Phineas: 11.06 - 1.08)

Hoo's there?

2010-02-24T11:16:00.001-06:00

More to come...

3GS

2009-06-19T11:57:00.002-05:00

Apologies in advance. For whatever reason, I never drank the Apple Kool-Aid and may have some details wrong.

But the clamor and e-salivating going on in my Facebook and Twitter today got me thinking. About things, personal belongings and material items. So now we've gone to throwing away perfectly working, functioning items so we can have the latest buzzword? For $200? (or $300.) I'm not buying it (literally). Isn't this a very small example of "greedy Americans" and also a very small example of why we're in this bumbling economic clusterfuck?

Maybe I'm just super jaded right now but in a time where so many people seem to be going back to natural, simplistic things in life (living green, CSA's, recycling, living on a budget) there also seems to be a group of people who just absolutely live the opposite way. I wonder what that's like. I'm not really sure I'll ever understand. I'm not trying to shit on my Apple loving friends...I just do not get it. I'll probably never label myself a Mac or a PC, but more as a human work in progress. Because God knows I need lots of help in figuring out what the fuck I'm doing with this life lately.

Better Luck Next Time!

2009-05-27T14:10:00.003-05:00

The thing about getting laid off is you forget what day of the week it is. Constantly. You don't have meeting dates to remember or a countdown to the weekend (every day is a weekend during layoff summer break!) or conference calls to get on.

...Or a date book staring you in the face with notes and scribble of important shit that only you can decipher, and god forbid you get laid off because tons of people are going to be shit out of luck because only you and your boss (who is an amazing person with the work ethic of a saint) knew how to perform certain tasks but of course that doesn't matter and now while HQ saves money, tons of nameless and faceless people are going to have trouble in the coming weeks.

...Not that I'm as bitter as that lets on. I'd been scheming ways of how to get out of that goat-rodeo, politically fueled place for a while, I just didn't want to deal with the repercussions of this economy. Lucky me, I just got handed into it. Thanks guys!

I don't look back in anger at my former employment at all, and I do find myself thankful to know my now former boss, one of the smartest women I've come into contact with in my 25 years. To find half the motivation and drive in a future job opportunity will make me happy in the end.

Now I just resign myself to a summer of unemployment checks, job searches, working out and becoming a better person. And maybe getting a tan.

Celeb

2009-05-08T09:53:00.005-05:00

So yesterday I'm walking home in a what seems to be the first Spring day of the year. There is so much glory going on, I can't even begin. The sun is shining, I'm positively skipping up 12th in my dress, brown tights and brown Mary Janes that I don't wear enough (and now I know why: a walker's commute + 3 inch heels does not a comfortable walk make, although I do love being almost 5'10" and then dominating even more with shoes like that).

These two older black guys fall in line behind me, I'm guessing mid-40's. And large. Suddenly I'm a freak and start secretly pretending I'm famous and they're my bodyguards. Who does that? I think it was a combination of my basic weirdness, combined with the two huge bags I was carrying and my new sunglasses. Which I am obsessed with. And yes, they are bebe, which I like to refer to as "Kim Kardashian's Closet" but screw it.

But what can I be famous for? I know I want to die in a firey blaze of cocaine use and cash, but how? We must brainstorm.

Goofballs bein' all wacky.

2009-04-23T15:07:00.003-05:00

There's a whole hell of a lot I could say about a whole hell of a lot that has happened lately, but I mostly just need to share this site with you:

http://lookatthisfuckinghipster.tumblr.com/

The "Yeah we have sex together, but only because it's ironic" one slays me.

Moving in two days. Downtown KC, you're about to get your summer shitwrecked.

"The left arm may have been photoshoppped a little..."

2009-04-09T09:53:00.007-05:00

Does anyone else watch this trainwreck? I like to wait for gems of wisdom like the ever-genius CT's winning quote yesterday: "I will rip your head off and eat it!"

(Dad, is that you?)

Did you know Mark was on the original Road Rules cast that aired in 1995? At the time, he was 23. This was 15 years ago. Mark? Really? You're 37. Are those...skeleton glove with the fingers cut off? You're 37, shirtless, wearing the latest hobo fashions and have not head figured out what a failure at life you are? I salute you.

Here's to another season. Chin-chin!

Sometimes...

2009-03-31T20:08:00.001-06:00

..your team loses. And you have to get creepy.

Really creepy.

Van Loo-isms.

2009-03-03T11:41:00.000-06:00

In which I make no sense

2009-03-03T11:17:00.004-06:00

Had I any type of soul/ability to feel feelings right now (or ever?) I'd have possibly teared up at this postcard from Post Secret:

For god's sake. I've never even owned a dog, but the mental image I got from this card just really made me love life for a minute.

The weather is slowly but surely getting nicer. I am slowly but surely becoming more of a machine (both in the gym and in life).

And happy birthday to the one I've ever really felt "got away."

(Jesus, KJHK. You're playing some type of weird Indian-yazz-flute tribal song. This is why I still listen.)

This sign says JAIL!

2009-02-11T09:32:00.004-06:00

(Because Blogger is being a bitch about uploading videos today...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mpxw0iCP4q4)

Really Chris Brown. Really. I hope you were just on a shit-ton of drugs, booze and more pills because what the fuck out explains this. You're Chris Brown and you're beating up RIHANNA. I don't know if you know, but some people might be following you 24/7 looking to take pictures of you guys going on dates, making out in clubs, being on vacation tomorrow and they just might, possibly, take pictures of you BEATING HER UP.

Sweat

2009-02-05T10:30:00.002-06:00

Sometimes I really have to wonder if I do indeed have an addictive personality (note: not addicting...everyone already knows I have that. Zing!) when I really step back and take a look at myself.

About three weeks ago I finally got serious, moreso than I have in years, about working out. Cut to gym sessions five times a week, buying an unlimited month pass to a local community center (for yoga and quite possibly killing myself at a boot camp class) and hauling my cookies out of bed at 6:15 this morning to go attack the elliptical for a while.

The thing is, I still hate working out. Hate it. But I think, for once, this addictive personality...thing might be working in my favor.

And why, you ask (you did, didn't you?) did I have an early morning gym visit today rather than my usual 5:45 p.m. call time?

A little something I like to call Ultimate Fakebook at the Uptown. I've been through too many years and too many breakups of their's to let this chance pass me by. Plus, Republic Tigers? Forget about it.

Also

2009-01-22T09:45:00.001-06:00

I feel like I need to edit the list of people I hang out with by their ability to recognize "Summer Heights High" references...Puck you, miss.

Currently listening to...

2009-01-22T09:18:00.002-06:00

I'll always be ridiculously in love with this album, but this morning I specifically got sucked into the outro/intro between "Brain Washers" (feat. the ever amazing Ben Harper) and "Chemical Calisthenics." Great stuff.

Careful! Careful with those ingredients, they could explode and blow up if you drop them and they hit the *crash* ground!

Currently listening to...

2009-01-08T22:29:00.001-06:00

She is SO. FREAKING. ADORABLE.

::snap snap::

OHHHHHH MYYYYYYYY GODDDDDDDD!!!

2009-01-05T11:16:00.004-06:00

Well, suck it. I ordered the shirt myself. I'm an I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T woman, mang! I order shirts for myself and I quote year-old rap songs. Suck it!

I'm writing to call a truce with my neighbor. I'm hoping that someway, somehow, she will stumble upon this blog, realize I am talking about her, and finally stop fake orgasming (seriously, there is no way these are real) at all hours of the night. I think her long-distance boyfriend has been visiting and that's why her performances have been more frequent since around Christmas time. I am praying for an imminent departure on his part. Hearing other people boning creeps me out and makes me feel gross, but I also have to wonder what her boyfriend is thinking. This shit is legitly ridiculous. There is faking, and then there's the operatic arias she performs. No way can he not figure out what's going on. She's woken me up from naps and interrupated my VERY IMPORTANT internet surfing during the afternoons, and I gladly retreat to the couches in our living room. However, sometimes a 3:00 a.m. romp wakes me up (last night) and I have to stay in bed and focus on playing BrickBlaster until the madness stops.

On a related note, I now will challenge anyone I know with a BlackBerry to a rousing game of BrickBlaster. I will own you.

WANT. HARD.

2008-12-29T20:09:00.003-06:00

Zomg, someone buy for me!

Buy for me!

Spoiled Brat

2008-12-29T12:16:00.008-06:00

Apparently we are going to need a lot more kitchen space in whatever new apartment we move into when our lease is up in April. Also, I didn't necessarily ask for the Magic Bullet or quesadilla maker, but who in their right mind would turn them down?!

Currently listening to...

2008-12-23T18:22:00.004-06:00

Pretty angry with myself for not hearing Lovage before this, especially since I'm 7 years behind on this party. WTF? Featuring Dan the Automator (aka "Nathaniel Merriweather"), Mike Patton, Jennifer Charles with Kid Koala supplying beats, this is dirty love-making shit. Maybe this is my punishment for only very casually listening to Handsome Boy Modeling School. Better late than never, yes?

Well, I just finished listening to their version of "Sex (I'm A)" and need a cold shower. Yowza.

Chocolate F-bombs

2008-12-22T16:35:00.003-06:00

Hershey's, seriously?

Is it really necessary to build chocolate floor tiles? This thing is borderline ridiculous, and makes me hate the Christmas season even more. I could lay a kitchen floor with these things. And then I would immediately set it on fire.

Two glorious things

2008-12-18T15:42:00.004-06:00

Don't even try to ask how I found this picture, but god bless the internet. WTF (in a good way, obviously).

Just stunnin' with my love-glue-gunnin'!

2008-12-18T09:50:00.003-06:00

To be honest, there is really only one thing that could make me happy when I wake up Christmas morning, ready to celebrate the birth of infant baby Jesu Cristo...

If I have to break into some discotheque (Eurotrash style, I haz it), snag a fucking disco ball and arts-&-craft-MacGyver myself my own version of GaGa's "Poker Face" mask, I will. I'd be set. for. life.

Wonderland!

2008-12-16T14:58:00.003-06:00

Does anyone else notice that all those douchebags who, every year, exclaim "the snow is so gorgeous!" or post up Facebook statuses (stati?) to the tune of "[total nutjob] is loving this snow!" all don't have real jobs? They're all working part time in retail or the service industry (at best) and have to go into work at something like 10:30 a.m. or 3:00 p.m. Real hard rush hour.

Get an adult job and call me when your usual 15 minute commute turns into 50 and let me know how beautiful that sparkling snow is then.

What a magical day!

Seriously.

2008-12-15T12:27:00.003-06:00

Not that I don't...appreciate art, but wonderful Paige Worthy recently sent me a link to a necklace that was pretty...special. Behold:

What better way to share the holidays than with a delightful "flower" necklace?

Get something for everyone on your list at Vulva Love Lovely

No better way to kick this off

2008-12-13T11:49:00.002-06:00

Coming soon...