27

(My dad, flipping his tiny kid (me) around when he was 27. Nice shorts.)

Here I am, on the technical eve of my 27th birthday.

When my mom turned 27, she had a baby about to be turning 3 a month later. I can't even think about babysitting my new nephew (Welcome to the world, Brooks!) until he's at least 3 years old.

So what have I learned in 27 years, which include 4 years of college and almost 3 years of working in the "real world" until being completely blasted into a whole different realm of "real world" work via layoff?

For one, I've never been less sure of what I want in life. Catch a hold of me at my old job? I wouldn't even hesitate to let you know I'd want to be in non profit for the rest of my life. But was that because I was in a cushy position, and that was the easy answer?

For now, ideas are abundant but actual opportunities may prove almost impossible to execute. Grad school, yes, but where? I want out of KC but will I have the means to? And for what? Continuing English? Education? Social work? The pipe dream of the vegetarian/natural culinary school in New York which sounds so amazing but is so expensive it was hard to breathe while reading the information?

Everyone around me seems to have their collective shit together. "Real" jobs, "real" relationships or fuck...marriages/engagements, nice cars they can afford, nice apartments and houses they don't have to worry about paying for every month. Why was I the one to fall behind? What choice did I make that led to this? I don't believe in karma but one has to wonder...

But there are days that just make me so happy, for no reason. Spending beautiful Autumn afternoons outside walking around the Plaza while others are staring out at it from a window by their cubicle. Sleeping in during thunderstorms. Volunteering. (Feel like getting involved with an awesome endeavor? I'm now the Volunteer Manager for HALO: http://www.haloworldwide.org/)

This I know for sure: I'm going to take this 27th year and start DOING.

It's what I owe to this existence.

Nuptials

Tomorrow I leave for California, to see one of my very best friends get married.

The past two weekends have been spent doing the same thing, only in the idyllic dreamtown of mine, Lawrence, KS.

There are lots of things I have to say about these events. Stay tuned.

I never thought it was possible for one's heart to explode with happiness for someone else (my selfish/narcissistic ways aren't too hidden.), but these past few weeks have proven me wrong.

One Year

One year ago today, May 20, 2009, I was laid off.

I was in the middle of printing out a HUGE mailing to social workers in the Oregon and Washington area. It was important information they needed to know about the changes in a program we had in place to help their patients get emergency grant money for rent, prescriptions, child care, and many other things people with life-threatening diseases need assistance with. In the middle of the huge print job I was working on, my supervisor walked past my office door and ask that I come into the conference room for a meeting.

"I have some really bad news. As of today, our office is closed and everyone in this room will have their position terminated." (It's funny to realize that in moments like that, exact words are easy to remember.)

Numb. Blood, boiling. Hot, scorching tears threatening to erupt, a cry I had never felt before. Flushed face. Looking down at the cute yellow top with white Bermuda shorts I had purchased that past weekend.

Bright sunshine glaring through our 3rd floor windows.

Autopilot to my office to collect everything. The Obama stickers and signs I had put up during the 2008 election. Cute pictures of me with my nephew. KU alumni group's 2009 calendar. Don't forget to pick up the Tupperware in the fridge with my lunch. A leftover quesadilla.

Small march, head bowed, past the two national staff members from New York who delivered our life in severance packets, down the hall to hug my now former supervisor. The word "integrity" was personified with her and I never really told her how much I respected and enjoyed working with her.

"Please know this isn't personal."

I had turned down a position in the company a few months prior, as I felt it was a glorified secretary position and I wanted to actually be involved in patient's lives and not in worrying about scheduling business trips, flights and hotel rooms. The person who now had this position still had a job. Other people in the office I considered "friends" had completely lied to my face. They knew it was coming. It was...something I'd never dealt with before.

I walked home. I had just signed a lease for a apartment a few blocks away. I called both my parents. My mom sounded tired. I sat out on the sunny, tiny deck and somehow recounted what happened. I went to the gym. My sweet roommate came home and took me out for appetizers and prosecco. I came home, applied to some jobs and drank a bottle of wine by myself that night.

As time went on, I started to forget which day of the week it was.

-----

One year, two relationships, two part-time jobs, countless interviews and countless bottles of wine later...I'm here. I've all but given up on finding a full-time job, but I know it could happen. I'm looking forward to moving out of the area at some point. Every time I tell a table at my work my story, I get a big tip. I don't bring it up, but sometimes I get asked about my life.

Sometimes I get so consumed in what money I am making and what money I owe. I am still paying for a loan I took in college so I could get an education and get a "real" job. I am paying doctor's bills since my cheap insurance that my dad selflessly pays for isn't all that great. I am in two weddings this summer for two of my very best friends in the world and I am so sad my excitement for their days is also shadowed with the fear of not being able to afford everything they absolutely deserve.

But my life.

I do what I want. I go to the gym. I cook. I take trips. I nap when I want. I read. I spend rainy mornings in bed. I spend sunny afternoons outside.

Things are the hardest they've ever been in my life. But for some reason, and somehow, I know there's a light, and somehow. It will continue to grow and glow.

Calling a Moratorium...

...on the suffix -ista, as a "cute" way to describe things.

I'm not sure when this happened, but it's been sneaking up on us the past few years.

Fashionista. Recessionista. Dealista. (Yes, there's a website for that.) Foodista. (Vomit. Like there aren't enough mundane food blogs out there.) Today I saw a commercial for TJ Maxx. Their pitch? "Become a Maxxionista!"

No. NO. NO.

Call the GLAMBULANCE!

I fallen head over heels for a MAN, baby. Laverne Cox. (OK. I know I need to be PC and know that she is now, in fact, aaaaaall woman, honeychild.) In the middle of Jamie Clayton and Nina Poon (yep.) Laverne, formerly of "I Want To Work For Diddy," is the center star of the new Vh1 show "TRANSform Me." It has not surprisingly wedged it's way into my cold, black heart with a starburst of glitter and spanx.

These ladies travel to the homes of ho-hum, blah-boring chicks who are in desperate need of a makeover and save their social lives. It is AWESOME. Tonight's episode took the squad to Mobile, Alabama (Laverne's home town) where a decidedly..."Alabama-esque" chick with a penchant for glitter purple eyeshadow was at first VERY outwardly uneasy about the tranny trio busting down her door. But one shopping trip by way of the Glambulance (Seriously...an ambulance complete with strobe lights, a disco ball and dance music) sent her on her way to FABULOSITY.

Sorry "Intervention." I think you just got served outta my Monday night line up.

Gone Fishin'

In need of much luck lately. I've been contemplating a new tattoo for quite some time now. It needs to involve a fighting koi/goldfish (symbol of luck)...I think it would help me out in life.

(RIP Phineas: 11.06 - 1.08)

Hoo's there?

More to come...